Please, let me fuck your mom
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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