i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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