This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
