Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
