I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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