True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
