the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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