Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
