i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
