I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
