How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
