She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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