I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
