I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
