I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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