Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
