remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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