What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize