every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
