Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
