I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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