She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
