you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
