.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
