and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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