Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
