cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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