You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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