i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize