I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
