my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
