he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
