when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
