my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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