stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
