I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
