Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
