This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
