So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How external is "for external use only"?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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