So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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