you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
