My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
