I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
