Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
