Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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