I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
