my phone needs a breathalizer
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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