How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
