You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
