I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
