Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize