roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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