brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
