All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
