I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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