Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
