She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
