You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
