We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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